Waterworld: Day 7

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

The jet-ski's are coming in fast. The jet-skis them selves? Not in brand new condition. They look a little worn in. There's also a boat with some rough lookin dudes on it. One of them has a shotgun. I'm sure he's not the only one packing heat though. Some one just yelled kill which suggests that my theory was correct, they are in fact bad news.

The city is going into defense mode! (Which really just means they're closing the windows and lining up around the top of the city/island/town. One of the elders said something along the lines of "We're safe behind this wall...aren't we?" to another of the elders and then his mouth just lingered there as if he was expecting a kiss.

The bad guys have surrounded the island, and started to just dilly dally around and make they're presence know. The camera keeps panning around their machine guns and weapsons to let us know that they are in fact dangerous. And now for the villain reveal! An evil looking bald man sitting on a throne that is mounted on one of the big bad guy boats. It's Dennis Hopper! Smoking a cigarette! The whole freaking world is water, where did he find cigarettes?!?! He said something about the key to city, but I was to distracted to actually comprehend it because my mind is still hung up on the cigarette thing. I can hear people loading their weapons, I guess they're about to attack. BULLETS EVERYWHERE.

The bullets just keep coming. For a long time. There are also flaming arrows, Molotov cocktails, hoses, and sling shots in the fight. It's pretty much chaos for awhile. There is even bad guys water skiing? This is just stupid. That would be the worst way to travel/attack. Ohhhh I see know they are on water skis so that they can ramp off the big ramps and get into the city. Well, I was wrong that's not stupid at all! Now the jet-skis are jumping too. This town is screwed! Haha another water skier tried to do the jump but just hit the wall. What a great gag.

More chaos...and then the best thing I've seen in this movie yet. We've got a third and final water skier getting ready to jump the ramp. He hits the ramp, everything is looking good. He does it, he makes the jump. He's in the town! but wait oh no, something is in the way of his landing. IT IS A CAGED UP KEVIN COSTNER!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?!

Waterworld: Day 6

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

Costner's cage is slowly being lowered and some old man is chanting something. Costner is shaking the cage as it gets closer and closer to a vat of some sort of yellow substance, maybe a big bowl of mustard? The bartender is looking up at him with a worried expression. I sense there could be some kind of love connection here.

And all of a sudden we're looking at a man with a telescope and the music has started to hint at some kind of tension or problem. Oh yeah, definitely a problem. Something is heading toward the island. The telescope man notices and starts yelling something. Spartans? Spiders? Smokers?

Whew! The island goes into a state of emergency RIGHT BEFORE Costner is submerged in the mustard like substance. Bells are ringing, people are screaming, looks like there is about to be a riot. A whole fleet of jet-skis are approaching. This looks like big time trouble

Trailer: ODB Doc.

It's been 5 years since Wu-Tang memeber Ol' Dirty Bastard died and now the first Wu endorsed documentary about the late great ODB is soon to be released. Here's the trailer. I'm pumped!

Ol Dirty Bastard Documentary Trailer Brooklyn Zu

Waterworld: Day 5

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

Now we see the village during the evening. Someone is in a cage...i think it is cost...yep it's Costner. The wrestler is scooting by on a boat. Maaaan he is UGLY. Poor Costner looks really sad.

The Camera cuts to the little girl with cornrows. She is drawing Costner's cage with charcoal. CREEPY OLD DUDE RUBBING HER BACK. I am not comfortable right now. The mom walked up and seems OK with the weird man touching her child. The mom/bartender/shop keep kinda looks like Kathrine Heigel.

Now someone is pointing a flash light at Mr. Costner's webbed feet. The creepy old man is the one with the flashlight. He is still very very creepy. And he is very excited about Costner's gills. He wants to learn about Costner. The old man has got a propeller on his hat. Costner keeps rocking the cage. He's not in the best of moods. The two are making some kind of deal.

Not gonna lie, the movie is getting pretty boring. It had kinda been picking up some steam but now it's pretty much lost me. Costner keeps shaking the cage. Now we see the sun start to rise. Some guys are riding Jet-Skis away from the beautiful sun rise. It now looks like everyone is going to some kind of court case. Yeah, it is a court case. Costner was just sentenced to be "recycled."

Keanu Watch: The Matrix Revolutions

This weekend I continued my search for Keanu Reeve's acting abilities whilst with some old friends from high school. The movie? The Matrix Revolutions. The verdict? Still not a good actor. Keanu Watch continues.

The Matrix was my first real exposure to Keanu Reeve's and back in 6th grade when I saw it I thought it was the best, and I may have even thought Keanu was the best but as time has passed the film has become less and less memorable. The sequels however where never memorable. In fact I don't think I ever even saw the third installment untill this Saturday.

I don't even think I can get into the story line as it's long, confusing, poorly developed, and to be frank I don't really fully understand what all went down in this final chapter. The directors did however figure something out with this film. Less Keanu=more good. For most of the second half of this movie Keanu said nothing. And another chunk of the movie Keanu was stuck in some innerstellar computerized train station or something. Meanwhile the better actors pushed the story, or whatever you want to call the events that happen in the movie, forward.

As usual his faced stayed in the same position. His lines rarely strayed from his "I'm reading this as I say it out loud" style. Basically the movie was pretty bad, and Keanu was even worse.

Waterworld: Day 4

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

Alright Costner is still at the bar and he was just served a tiny cup of water. The ugly wrestler looking dude walks up and mubles a little bit. Costner looks around and sees he is surrounded. The wrestler compliments his boots...which is a little strange if you ask me. Then a little girl with cornrows walks up. She's got a sick tatt on her back, I bet that has some kind of crazy significance to rest of the story! The creepy wrestler is now asking Cosnter about taking baths, this interaction is getting pretty uncomfortable. Costner asks about a tomato plant at the bar and the tender tries to steal all his money. Then she says it'll cost half his chips. He buys it and is now walking to his boat. With the bartender/shop keeper.

Ohhhhhh now a group of old people led by a Morgan Freeman looking man is approaching Costner. I keep accidental typing Swayze instead of Costner, which I assume is my subconscious telling me this would be WAY better with the late great Mr. Patrick Swayze as the lead. Now the group of village elders is asking for Costners seed. They want him to knock up a young girl that lives in the village in exchange for supplies. One of the elders whistled when Costner declined the offer. Somebody attacks him and OH DEAR GOD COSTNER'S GOT GILLS! AND I think he's about to drown a dude. Or stab him under water. There is a lot of stabbing going on right now. A riot has started and Costner is stuck in a net.

The sheriff is back! And he saved Costner. Finally a voice of reason. As the sheriff forces the villagers to release our hero we see a man turn a knob and lights turn on in the island village as it becomes night.

Zac Efron's Twilight Induced Break

Just read a funny little article about Zac Efron and his gratitude to teen-heart-throb-of-the-moment Robert Pattinson for taking the spotlight momentarily.

Teens, moms, and tweens are currently all feasting on pictures, interviews, movies, and magazines that have Pattinson's face plastered on them right now because of this weekends release of The Twilight Sage: New Moon. This gives Efron a chance to take a breath. Here is a link to the full article.

I typically try not to think too much about the life of a teen heart throb as my oppurunity to be one has long since passed me by. But on the off chance I do think about it things like this rarely cross my mind. If I was in Efron's shoes would I be thankful or jealous? Can't really say. More power to him though for embracing the break.

Efron's newest flick Me And Orson Welles comes out this Wednesday.

Waterworld: Day 3

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

The boat continues to sail and eventually makes its way to a giant floating fortress. Costner has to show his wares in order to get in. They still won't let him so he shows off his big jar of dirt. Astonishment! The gates open to reveal an awe inspiring city atop the water. Maybe it isn't awe inspiring...but whoever was in charge of composing music for this movie thought it was. Costner looks around and sees some people scavenging the dead corpse of a hammer head shark. Then a giant tree that is some how alive on a man made island? I'm glad that I know very little about science of this would be a tough one to believe.

Someone is chanting. And I think there is a funeral. Now Costner is docking is boat. He wows the local hoodlums with a beat up rear view mirror. Some Mickey Rourke lookin dude seems to be the sheriff of this here town. Tell Costner he's got one hour. It is so difficult to watch this and not think about how directly it rips off the world of Mad Max.

Now we're at the local merchant's shop and Costner is trying to trade his dirt for money. Hmmmm kinda like trying to make people pay to watch this movie. The guy tastes the dirt, you know to make sure it's dirt. 3.2 Kilos! That is a lot of dirt! 62 chits for all that dirt. Costner asks for twice that AND GETS IT! Now a evil looking guy is bribing some homeless guy for information with water. The guy looks like a 90's era pro wrestler. Costner walks up and asks some lady where the store is and she tells his he's looking at it. The camera comically pans down all the empty shelves.

Old News: Predators Cast

I don't how this slipped past my radar but according to /film Adrian Brody has been cast as the lead in the Robert Rodriguez produced Predator reboot Predators. The article also reports that Topher Grace might also be involved. Last I remember the only confirmed cast member was Danny Trejo. Still no announcment on whether Carl Weathers will be reprising his role.

Movie Review: King Corn

Documentaries are tricky business. On one hand they can be an entertaining exploration of something that most viewers won't really have knowledge on (think "King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters" the Donkey Kong documentary that came out a couple years ago) but on the other hand they can be a boring waste of an hour and half where a monotone narrator tries to make you feel bad about something that is happening in the world. King Corn falls somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.

The film follows two college friends as they move to Iowa to grow an acres worth of corn. Along the way they learn all about how dependent this country, and the world, is on the production of corn. The filmmakers never directly condemn the mass production of corn but we are shown enough footage to get the point. King Corn shows us what it thinks without pounding into our head over and over again.

To top it all off the movie has got a pretty good sense of humor too. Unless it is about something that I personally have a huge interest in I try and avoid documentaries, in fact I wasn't all too excited when my girlfriend suggested this one but King Corn was as entertaining as it was educational.

Waterworld: Day 2

This post is part of an ongoing project where I watch 5 minutes of Waterworld a day until I finish it.

Day 2: We are starting with some action today. Costner jumps up and is arming his mounted harpoon gun. He looks mad. There is a man in another boat...wearing nearly nothing. They start communicatiing in a language that I'm not familar with. I think they're bartering. This naked dude is bad news. Costner and I can both tell. Costner is trying to make a deal, but he looks weary. Apparently there is a supply station eight days east of where they are. Costner says "Nothings free in Waterworld." That quote should probably be on the movie poster, or in the trailer or something.

Camera cuts to some gross lookin gentlemen that are sitting on some Mad Max style jet skis. They look like trouble. Haven't shaved or bathed in a long while. The naked guy calls them smokers and then starts trying to escape. He admits he stole the limes as he sails away. Costner swings over to his tree to double check he then sets his sails up. Now the boat looks cool! The Mad Max lookin guys are astonished and they have guns! They are heading twords Costners shipping in a race for some supplies that are floating in the ocean. Costner grabs the supplies and turns the boat around to try and get his limes back. The naked guys sees him coming and thinks "Uh Oh!" Costner's boat comes up fast and takes out the naked man's sail. Then the jet ski guys MURDER tha naked guy with they're future guns. We see a lot of dramatic shots of Costner's boat sailing through the night and then he arrives in front of a floating fortress.

Waterworld: Day 1

Today while looking through the movies I could watch on Netflix's streaming service I saw a little jewel. And by jewel I mean of course mean the 175 million dollar turd know only as Waterworld. I myself have never made it all the way through the 136 minute stinker but I've always wanted to try. No I'm a busy guy, and I don't have 2 hours and 15 minutes just laying around in my week to give up to watching a terrible movie...but a do have 5 minutes a day. So for the next few week I'll be give Kevin Costner 5 minutes a day and reporting on it here along side my regular posts. Here is the first 5 minutes of Waterworld and my thoughts as I watch it.

Day 1: The classic Universal logo appears on screen...but ohhh no! All the land is getting covered by water. Hmmmm I guess that's what they mean by "Waterworld." An announcer says something apocalyptic and we see the ocean. Camera comes in a boat lookin thing and then it gets right to the good stuff. This movie is not wasting any time, Costner is peeing into a bucket, filtering it, and then drinking it! He also gives some of it to his tiny little lime tree. Uh oh, something is happening. No we see the interior of the boat. Costner just put some pebbles into a gadget and dove into the water. We're seeing a lot of different gadgets now. Useless stuff like a wind powered harmonica and a bike chair. The pebbles that Costner dropped are now causing some kinda Rube Goldberg like reaction and someone is stealing his ripe limes! Costner has arisen from the water with lots of new junk including some stylish new ski boots and then notices a boat floating next to his. Times up, more tomorrow.

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus Poster

Just saw this poster for Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus at /film and all I can say is finally a new Verne Troyer flick....I guess there's that whol Heath Ledger thing too.

Keanu Watch: Sweet November

Keanu Watch is back and better then ever...and by better I mean terrible. This morning I turned on my TV and guess what was waiting for me on HBO. Sweet November, the 2001 Keanu Reeves/Charlize Theron tear fest.

This time Keanu plays a spacey business man dedicated to his job whose life changes after a chance encounter with a quirky Theron. Theron asks Keanu to be her "November" and he goes with it. What being some one's "November" means? We don't know and neither does Keanu, but of course we'll find out. Things happen. Blah Blah Blah. They fall in love. Blah Blah Blah. Keanu realizes the Theron has been with a different man each month for a long while. Blah Blah Blah. Turns out she cancer. Blah Blah Blah. He proposes. She says no. Blah Blah Blah. He's the only person she ever wanted to say yes to when they proposed but she wants him to have a good memory of her. She leaves and goes to her family to die. He sits in a park. Predictable? Yes. Done before? Pretty much. Boring? Yes.

The acting, if you can believe it, is worse then the plot. Keanu acts with his usual flair. His delivery is terrible. His character simple, and very boring. Anytime he isn't speaking his face reverts back to it's natural semi-constipated expression. Theron played her character too closely resembled her Mr. F character from Arrested Development which made me constantly question whether or not she was just trying to quirky or if she wasn't all there.

The movie sucked. Plain and simple. Thanks for another stinker Keanu.

The Expendables Trailer

It has finally arrived! The trailer to Stallone's upcoming, and undeniably awesome, action film. I don't know if the trailer is suppose to be out...but this is it. So why not watch and get pumped!

Movie Review: Away We Go

I’ve always loved Maya Rudolph but have never really had a reason for doing so. She was alright when she was on Saturday Night Live, and until very recently I never saw her in any films that I liked but thanks to a free screening at the University of Texas I can now say that I have seen her in a great film.

The film is Away We Go and Rudolph stars along side The Office’s John Krasinski. The two play an unmarried and rather quirky couple that is about to have their first child. Early on in the movie they decide to move to a new place and the film follows as they travel the United States and spend time with old friends and relatives as they try and find the perfect place to raise their child. The story is nice, and something different that we don’t often see in movies.

All the acting in the film is lovely, and there is a lot of it. Each person that Krasinski and Rudolph meets or revisits stand out, and some almost seem like too much, but they also all retain something real. They all seem like people that I’ve met or seen in real life. Krasinki rock a beard and some black plastic rim glasses as if to add a little more distance from his usually smirky Jim Halpert like characters, but even with out the visual help he does a great job creating and being this new character. Rudolph blew me away. The rest of the cast could have been played by anyone and Rudolph could still carry this movie. She is sweet, sincere, and beautiful.

Away We Go is something a little bit different, and something very very good.

The Negative Effects of Netflix

For the last year or so Netflix has been allowing users to stream thousands of movies live on to their computers, TVs, and through their Xbox consoles. I recently resubscribed to Netflix and have been loving the service. It gives the ability to watch tons of incredible films with great ease.

Unfortunalty nine times out of ten I find myself wasting away my time with stupid slapstick movies (Little Nicky) and tween comedies (iCarly). Today I found my self watching an hour and half worth of Inspector Gadget. Time well spent? I liked it so I guess was worth it.

Master Pancake presents Total Recall

I’ve lived in Austin for around two and half years now and there is still a lot that I need to experience, last night I checked one item off of my list. Master Pancake.

For those that don’t know Master Pancake is comedians John Erler and Joe Parsons performing a live, and hilarious, commentary track over popular films of that past at the Alamo Drafthouse.

This weekend the two performed their comedy over the 1990 hit Total Recall. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ve all seen at least a little bit of Total Recall on TNT at some point of another but it is a terribly dated sci fi film about Arnold Schwarzenegger going to Mars and becoming a spy. My mom raised my brother and I on sci fi and since she was in town this weekend I thought it would be the perfect place to take her.

I don’t have the words to describe how funny the show was. It was a crude, vulgar, and almost serious critique of the film. The joked about everything from the cinematography, to the cheesy special effects and off course Arnold. I was there with my little brother, my girlfriend, and my mother and the comedy was broad enough to make us all laugh continuously.

If you’ve never seen a Master Pancake performance I highly recommend you buckle down and spend $12.50 next weekend, and if you grew up loving terrible science fiction movies then you’ve got no excuse. The duo will be performing Total Recall every weekend until October 10th and after that they will be doing A Nightmare on Elm Street. For more information visit their website.

Keanu Watch 2009: Point Break

Gun play, surfing, Gary Busey, skydiving, and a killer chase scene. Sounds like the formula for a perfect Keanu Reeves 90’s action movie, unfortunately it also sounds like the perfect formula for a mediocre 90’s Keanu action movie. The question really lies in weather or not the movie’s got soul.

The movie starts with Keanu playing a former college football star that has just started working for a bank robbery unit in the FBI. He is partnered up with the department’s oldest, and arguably craziest, officer played by Gary Busey. The two are tracking down a group of bank robbers known as the “Ex-Presidents.”

Busey suspects that the bank robbers where actually a group of surfers and so Keanu goes undercover as surfer to try and find the criminals. Long story short: Keanu befriends the leader of the surf crew, Patrick Swayze, then Swayze and Keanu grow close and Swayze teaches him his Zen surfer ways.

90’s action flicks typically hold up the way we’d like them to, but Point Break manages to do it pretty well. All of the action scenes are still pretty solid. The acting, with the exception of Keanu, is all pretty good. This is the second time I’ve seen a movie with pre-accident Gary Busey and I have to admit I was incredibly impressed. Swayze was incredible…and Keanu may seem like he’s doing a good job but his character is just a cop going under cover as Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and that isn’t much of a stretch for Mr. Reeves.

The plot might be a little bit ridiculous but Point Break remains an incredible action movie. It’s fun, energetic and has some soul. If you’ve never seen it and want to see Keanu and Swayze shooting guns and jumping out of planes then this is a must see.

Keanu Watch 2009

I've decided to take on an a new challenge, it is something that I'm calling Keanu Watch 2009. I've spent my whole life watching Keanu Reeves movies and wondering why people cast him in movies. In all the Keanu Reeves movies that I've watched I haven't seen a shred of evidence that he in fact has any acting talent. He's charismatic...sometimes...but I want to see his acting chops. If you have any leads as to what movie the talent may be hiding in let me know. The hunt begins!