Waterworld: Day 7

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

The jet-ski's are coming in fast. The jet-skis them selves? Not in brand new condition. They look a little worn in. There's also a boat with some rough lookin dudes on it. One of them has a shotgun. I'm sure he's not the only one packing heat though. Some one just yelled kill which suggests that my theory was correct, they are in fact bad news.

The city is going into defense mode! (Which really just means they're closing the windows and lining up around the top of the city/island/town. One of the elders said something along the lines of "We're safe behind this wall...aren't we?" to another of the elders and then his mouth just lingered there as if he was expecting a kiss.

The bad guys have surrounded the island, and started to just dilly dally around and make they're presence know. The camera keeps panning around their machine guns and weapsons to let us know that they are in fact dangerous. And now for the villain reveal! An evil looking bald man sitting on a throne that is mounted on one of the big bad guy boats. It's Dennis Hopper! Smoking a cigarette! The whole freaking world is water, where did he find cigarettes?!?! He said something about the key to city, but I was to distracted to actually comprehend it because my mind is still hung up on the cigarette thing. I can hear people loading their weapons, I guess they're about to attack. BULLETS EVERYWHERE.

The bullets just keep coming. For a long time. There are also flaming arrows, Molotov cocktails, hoses, and sling shots in the fight. It's pretty much chaos for awhile. There is even bad guys water skiing? This is just stupid. That would be the worst way to travel/attack. Ohhhh I see know they are on water skis so that they can ramp off the big ramps and get into the city. Well, I was wrong that's not stupid at all! Now the jet-skis are jumping too. This town is screwed! Haha another water skier tried to do the jump but just hit the wall. What a great gag.

More chaos...and then the best thing I've seen in this movie yet. We've got a third and final water skier getting ready to jump the ramp. He hits the ramp, everything is looking good. He does it, he makes the jump. He's in the town! but wait oh no, something is in the way of his landing. IT IS A CAGED UP KEVIN COSTNER!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?!

The Art of Waterworld

Every year before Christmas a group of my friends and I have a big Christmas party, among the festivites are feasting, unsecisarrily compilcated traditions, and, of course, presents. This year my friend Casey Polacheck gave me this awesome painting of me and Kevin Costner kicking in the magical world of Waterwold.

Waterworld: Day 6

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

Costner's cage is slowly being lowered and some old man is chanting something. Costner is shaking the cage as it gets closer and closer to a vat of some sort of yellow substance, maybe a big bowl of mustard? The bartender is looking up at him with a worried expression. I sense there could be some kind of love connection here.

And all of a sudden we're looking at a man with a telescope and the music has started to hint at some kind of tension or problem. Oh yeah, definitely a problem. Something is heading toward the island. The telescope man notices and starts yelling something. Spartans? Spiders? Smokers?

Whew! The island goes into a state of emergency RIGHT BEFORE Costner is submerged in the mustard like substance. Bells are ringing, people are screaming, looks like there is about to be a riot. A whole fleet of jet-skis are approaching. This looks like big time trouble

Waterworld: Day 5

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

Now we see the village during the evening. Someone is in a cage...i think it is cost...yep it's Costner. The wrestler is scooting by on a boat. Maaaan he is UGLY. Poor Costner looks really sad.

The Camera cuts to the little girl with cornrows. She is drawing Costner's cage with charcoal. CREEPY OLD DUDE RUBBING HER BACK. I am not comfortable right now. The mom walked up and seems OK with the weird man touching her child. The mom/bartender/shop keep kinda looks like Kathrine Heigel.

Now someone is pointing a flash light at Mr. Costner's webbed feet. The creepy old man is the one with the flashlight. He is still very very creepy. And he is very excited about Costner's gills. He wants to learn about Costner. The old man has got a propeller on his hat. Costner keeps rocking the cage. He's not in the best of moods. The two are making some kind of deal.

Not gonna lie, the movie is getting pretty boring. It had kinda been picking up some steam but now it's pretty much lost me. Costner keeps shaking the cage. Now we see the sun start to rise. Some guys are riding Jet-Skis away from the beautiful sun rise. It now looks like everyone is going to some kind of court case. Yeah, it is a court case. Costner was just sentenced to be "recycled."

Waterworld: Day 4

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

Alright Costner is still at the bar and he was just served a tiny cup of water. The ugly wrestler looking dude walks up and mubles a little bit. Costner looks around and sees he is surrounded. The wrestler compliments his boots...which is a little strange if you ask me. Then a little girl with cornrows walks up. She's got a sick tatt on her back, I bet that has some kind of crazy significance to rest of the story! The creepy wrestler is now asking Cosnter about taking baths, this interaction is getting pretty uncomfortable. Costner asks about a tomato plant at the bar and the tender tries to steal all his money. Then she says it'll cost half his chips. He buys it and is now walking to his boat. With the bartender/shop keeper.

Ohhhhhh now a group of old people led by a Morgan Freeman looking man is approaching Costner. I keep accidental typing Swayze instead of Costner, which I assume is my subconscious telling me this would be WAY better with the late great Mr. Patrick Swayze as the lead. Now the group of village elders is asking for Costners seed. They want him to knock up a young girl that lives in the village in exchange for supplies. One of the elders whistled when Costner declined the offer. Somebody attacks him and OH DEAR GOD COSTNER'S GOT GILLS! AND I think he's about to drown a dude. Or stab him under water. There is a lot of stabbing going on right now. A riot has started and Costner is stuck in a net.

The sheriff is back! And he saved Costner. Finally a voice of reason. As the sheriff forces the villagers to release our hero we see a man turn a knob and lights turn on in the island village as it becomes night.

Waterworld: Day 3

This post is part of an ongoing project where I attempt to watch all of Waterworld in 5 minute chunks.

The boat continues to sail and eventually makes its way to a giant floating fortress. Costner has to show his wares in order to get in. They still won't let him so he shows off his big jar of dirt. Astonishment! The gates open to reveal an awe inspiring city atop the water. Maybe it isn't awe inspiring...but whoever was in charge of composing music for this movie thought it was. Costner looks around and sees some people scavenging the dead corpse of a hammer head shark. Then a giant tree that is some how alive on a man made island? I'm glad that I know very little about science of this would be a tough one to believe.

Someone is chanting. And I think there is a funeral. Now Costner is docking is boat. He wows the local hoodlums with a beat up rear view mirror. Some Mickey Rourke lookin dude seems to be the sheriff of this here town. Tell Costner he's got one hour. It is so difficult to watch this and not think about how directly it rips off the world of Mad Max.

Now we're at the local merchant's shop and Costner is trying to trade his dirt for money. Hmmmm kinda like trying to make people pay to watch this movie. The guy tastes the dirt, you know to make sure it's dirt. 3.2 Kilos! That is a lot of dirt! 62 chits for all that dirt. Costner asks for twice that AND GETS IT! Now a evil looking guy is bribing some homeless guy for information with water. The guy looks like a 90's era pro wrestler. Costner walks up and asks some lady where the store is and she tells his he's looking at it. The camera comically pans down all the empty shelves.

Waterworld: Day 2

This post is part of an ongoing project where I watch 5 minutes of Waterworld a day until I finish it.

Day 2: We are starting with some action today. Costner jumps up and is arming his mounted harpoon gun. He looks mad. There is a man in another boat...wearing nearly nothing. They start communicatiing in a language that I'm not familar with. I think they're bartering. This naked dude is bad news. Costner and I can both tell. Costner is trying to make a deal, but he looks weary. Apparently there is a supply station eight days east of where they are. Costner says "Nothings free in Waterworld." That quote should probably be on the movie poster, or in the trailer or something.

Camera cuts to some gross lookin gentlemen that are sitting on some Mad Max style jet skis. They look like trouble. Haven't shaved or bathed in a long while. The naked guy calls them smokers and then starts trying to escape. He admits he stole the limes as he sails away. Costner swings over to his tree to double check he then sets his sails up. Now the boat looks cool! The Mad Max lookin guys are astonished and they have guns! They are heading twords Costners shipping in a race for some supplies that are floating in the ocean. Costner grabs the supplies and turns the boat around to try and get his limes back. The naked guys sees him coming and thinks "Uh Oh!" Costner's boat comes up fast and takes out the naked man's sail. Then the jet ski guys MURDER tha naked guy with they're future guns. We see a lot of dramatic shots of Costner's boat sailing through the night and then he arrives in front of a floating fortress.

Waterworld: Day 1

Today while looking through the movies I could watch on Netflix's streaming service I saw a little jewel. And by jewel I mean of course mean the 175 million dollar turd know only as Waterworld. I myself have never made it all the way through the 136 minute stinker but I've always wanted to try. No I'm a busy guy, and I don't have 2 hours and 15 minutes just laying around in my week to give up to watching a terrible movie...but a do have 5 minutes a day. So for the next few week I'll be give Kevin Costner 5 minutes a day and reporting on it here along side my regular posts. Here is the first 5 minutes of Waterworld and my thoughts as I watch it.

Day 1: The classic Universal logo appears on screen...but ohhh no! All the land is getting covered by water. Hmmmm I guess that's what they mean by "Waterworld." An announcer says something apocalyptic and we see the ocean. Camera comes in a boat lookin thing and then it gets right to the good stuff. This movie is not wasting any time, Costner is peeing into a bucket, filtering it, and then drinking it! He also gives some of it to his tiny little lime tree. Uh oh, something is happening. No we see the interior of the boat. Costner just put some pebbles into a gadget and dove into the water. We're seeing a lot of different gadgets now. Useless stuff like a wind powered harmonica and a bike chair. The pebbles that Costner dropped are now causing some kinda Rube Goldberg like reaction and someone is stealing his ripe limes! Costner has arisen from the water with lots of new junk including some stylish new ski boots and then notices a boat floating next to his. Times up, more tomorrow.